🦃 “A Very #Nextdoor Thanksgiving” — A Completely Fictional, Satirical Dialogue. Featuring Nirav Tolia, the C-Suite, the Intern, Bubbles the Clown… and a talking turkey named Gerald.

Scene: The #Nextdoor Headquarters Thanksgiving Table

A long table is set. A giant #Nextdoor logo hangs like a Christmas tree star.

Everyone sits down — looking stressed, confused, and slightly sleep-deprived.

Nirav Tolia:

Welcome, everyone. Before we carve the turkey, let’s go around the table and say what we’re thankful for this year.

Penny Pincherstein (CFO):

I’m thankful we didn’t exceed the moderation budget… except for the overtime used deleting Niel’s comments.

glances at Intern Internson

Intern Internson:

I’m thankful the Commodore 64 didn’t explode this time. It only smoked lightly.

Cy R. Breach (CISO):

I’m thankful that deleting comments still counts as “security protocol.” Makes my job very easy.

Techie McBandwidth (CTO):

I’m thankful nobody found out the servers panic every time Niel reposts one of our articles. The alarms sound like a dying whale.

Brandy Buzzwords (CMO):

I’m thankful we managed to publish one positive article without Niel turning it into a transparency audit. Oh wait— (checks phone) He already did.

Huggie Feelingsworth (CHRO):

I’m thankful we still haven’t reached out to him. That level of consistency is rare these days.

Bubbles the Clown:

I’m thankful that I’m finally allowed to juggle in the office. It relieves stress when red-alert sirens go off every time Niel posts.

Gerald the Turkey:

(Clears throat disapprovingly)

I’m thankful I haven’t been eaten yet. Also, you people argue so much that you forgot to preheat the oven.

Everyone else:

…

…

…

Nirav Tolia:

Gerald, you go last.

Gerald:

I just went.

Nirav Tolia:

Fine. I’ll go. I’m thankful that for one single day — ONE — Niel didn’t comment on our posts.

Intern Internson:

Uh… sir? He commented on the Dallas article. AND he reposted it.

Cy R. Breach:

Red alert?

Techie McBandwidth:

Red alert.

Bubbles the Clown:

Sirens blare

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! COMMENT DETECTED!

Penny Pincherstein (CFO):

Could someone please hold me? I can’t live through another comment removal marathon.

Gerald the Turkey:

(Facepalms with a wing)

I’m thankful I’m not part of this company.

Nirav Tolia (slamming table):

WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?!

WHY CAN’T HE ENJOY THANKSGIVING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!

Gerald:

Because he’s a neighbor of Earth, and neighbors talk.

Everyone else:

……………

Nirav Tolia:

Fine. Let’s pass the mashed potatoes and hope he doesn’t post again before dessert.

(Phone pings.)

Intern Internson:

Um… sir? He posted again.

Bubbles the Clown:

(Throws pumpkin pie into the air and screams toward Alcatraz)

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

Gerald:

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. You all need therapy.