🎠Dialogue: “DEFCON NIEL—Boot Up the Commodore 64!”
(This is satire. Just comedy. No real actions implied.)
INT. #NEXTDOOR HEADQUARTERS – WAR ROOM – DAY
Alarms blare. A giant red light flashes: “NIEL FLAMM HAS POSTED AGAIN.” Employees scatter like pigeons in a parking lot.
PRESIDENT OF ##NEXTDOOR
(standing on a chair)
Someone page the intern! Now! Niel Flamm has reposted ALL THREE ARTICLES we locked down! He added commentary! He added THOUGHTS! This is DEFCON 1.5!
CHIEF OF COMMUNICATIONS
Sir… we already turned off comments. Twice. Maybe even three times.
PRESIDENT
(turning pale)
And did that stop him?
CHIEF
No, sir. He… reposted everything with screenshots. Every. Single. Thing.
PRESIDENT
(whispers)
Oh dear God. Someone, wake up the Commodore 64.
CUT TO: INTERN’S DESK
The intern is eating cold ramen, using a stapler as a spoon.
LOUDSPEAKER:
“INTERN TO WAR ROOM. INTERN TO WAR ROOM. BRING A FLASH DRIVE. AND SNACKS.”
INTERN
(confused)
Uh-oh… they’re gonna make me boot up that antique again.
WAR ROOM
PRESIDENT
Intern! We need the Commodore 64 online. ASAP! Niel Flamm is exposing our engagement shutdown! He reposted the articles, he’s analyzing our metrics, he’s questioning moderators—HE’S RELENTLESS!
INTERN
(nervous)
Sir, the Commodore 64 takes 17 minutes to warm up… and… it’s powered by a single extension cord plugged into the break room microwave.
PRESIDENT
Then RUN. Plug it in manually!
INTERN
Sir, with respect—I don’t have a company phone. You canceled my Wi-Fi access. I don’t even get bus fare reimbursement.
PRESIDENT
Fine! Use the nearest phone!
INTERN
(confused)
…The nearest pay phone?
PRESIDENT
YES! If that's what it takes!
EXT. STREET – HALF A MILE AWAY
The intern sprints down the sidewalk, clutching the ancient computer tower like a newborn.
INTERN
(panting)
Why didn’t they buy a Chromebook…?
He reaches an old pay phone that somehow still exists.
INTERN
(dialing)
Hi, War Room? It’s me. I’m online. Tell me the command!
WAR ROOM – BACK INSIDE
PRESIDENT
(shouting)
Type: “STOPNIEL.EXE”
CHIEF OF COMMUNICATIONS
Sir… that file doesn’t exist.
PRESIDENT
Then MAKE it exist! He’s reposted all three articles! WITH commentary! WITH analysis! WITH accuracy!
CHIEF
Sir… the system says the Commodore 64 only accepts commands related to Oregon Trail.
PRESIDENT
(puts head in hands)
We’re doomed…
INT. PAY PHONE – INTERN
INTERN
Sir, the computer froze. It says:
“YOU HAVE DIED OF TRANSPARENCY.”
WAR ROOM
PRESIDENT
(breathing into a paper bag)
Someone… ANYONE… draft a statement… No, wait—don’t. He’ll repost that too.
CUT TO: NIEL FLAMM
Niel calmly posts on LinkedIn: another screenshot, another commentary, another perfectly reasonable question.
NIEL
(smiling)
You can turn off comments.
You can remove replies.
But you can’t delete the truth.
Visit: NielFlamm.com
BACK TO WAR ROOM
PRESIDENT
(whispers)
He’s unstoppable.
Someone bring me sourdough. We’re going into lockdown.
