🎭 LinkedIn Dialogue: “Nextdoor HQ — The Day of Total Silence (Nov 20th)” (Satire)

INT. NEXTDOOR HEADQUARTERS – CRISIS FLOOR – NOVEMBER 20, 9:42 AM (Satire)

The office is dead silent. No one has posted anything. No one knows why.

 Except Niel. Niel knows precisely why.

Scene 1 — Nirav’s Stress Buffet

 NIRAV TOLIA (President, pacing in circles)

Where’s my Boudin sourdough?!

Where’s my Red Bull?!

I need carbs and wings, people! We haven’t posted for a whole day!

Is anyone IN THIS COMPANY STILL AWAKE!?

CHIEF OF STAFF

Sir, you ate all twelve loaves—and four cases of Red Bull. You’ve been awake for 19 hours straight.

NIRAV

Good. If I stay awake long enough, the comments will remain off themselves.

Scene 2 — The C-Suite Panic

 CMO (Chief Marketing Officer)

Could you send us a post? Anything. A dog adoption story. A neighbor is fixing a mailbox—a leaf. JUST GIVE ME A LEAF.

 CFO

We can’t post a leaf. Niel Flamm will repost it with analysis.

CTO

Could we reboot the servers?

CMO

You rebooted them yesterday! That’s why the intern got trapped in the elevator!

Scene 3 — The Intern Returns

INTERN

(thrilled to be useful)

Sir! Should I boot up the Commodore 64 again?

C-SUITE (simultaneously)

NO!!!

CTO

Last time you touched it, you unplugged the whole San Francisco office.

Scene 4 — A New Disaster

HR DIRECTOR

Uh… leadership?

We forgot something.

NIRAV

(exhausted)

What now?

HR DIRECTOR

We forgot to turn off comments on yesterday’s engagement post.

C-SUITE GASPS LIKE A SOAP OPERA

NIRAV

No… no, no no no—

Tell me Niel didn’t see it.

INTERN

(checking phone)

Oh, he saw it.

He reposted it. Twice.

And added thoughts.

NIRAV

(turns pale)

We are doomed.

Scene 5 — THE ROTARY PHONE RINGS

A red rotary phone on the wall lights up. A spotlight hits it. Everyone freezes.

CFO

No…

Not the Board Phone.

Not… THAT phone.

ROTARY PHONE:

Brrrrrring… Brrrrrring… Brrrrrring…

NIRAV

(swallowing hard)

Okay, everyone… nobody breathe.

If we stand very still, they can’t hear us.

CTO

Sir, that’s how dinosaurs work.

NIRAV

Same principle.

He picks up the phone like it’s a live grenade.

Scene 6 — BOARD OF DIRECTORS CALL

BOARD CHAIR (voice booming through rotary phone)

Nirav.

Why hasn’t Nextdoor posted today?

Why is LinkedIn exploding with talk about silence?

Why is there a man named Niel Flamm running circles around your entire operation?

NIRAV

(stammering)

W-we’re handling it! We just—

We ran out of sourdough!

And Red Bull!

And emotional stability!

BOARD CHAIR

Do we need to come down there?

C-SUITE (whispers in panic)

Say no. SAY NO!

NIRAV

No sir! Everything is under control!

(Immediately, a fire alarm goes off in the background)

Scene 7 — Niel Checks LinkedIn

NIEL

(sipping coffee, calm)

Still no post.

Still no comment.

Still nothing.

Silence is a strategy.

Not a good one…

…but a strategy

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