🎭 “Where Is Nirav?” — A Totally Fictional Nextdoor Boardroom Skit 🎭
(All characters are fictionalized for humor. Not depicting real actions.)
Scene:
#Nextdoor HQ, “Crisis Conference Room B”
A red emergency light spins. Papers everywhere. Someone spills a latte.
CFO Penny Pincherstein:
“Okay… who has eyes on Nirav? The Board wants him in the room now.”
CMO Brandy Buzzwords:
“He’s not answering Slack, email, WhatsApp, Signal, Teams, carrier pigeon—nothing!”
CISO Cy R. Breach:
“Our systems show he hasn’t logged in since… oh no… right when Niel posted on LinkedIn, Facebook, AND X.”
Board Member #1, Reginald ReturnOnInvestment:
“What do you MEAN we lost track of the CEO? We’re about to announce a #Netflix partnership, and he VANISHES?!”
CTO Techie McBandwidth (checking a console):
“Sir… the last digital footprint is… concerning.”
Board Member #2, Prudence Portfolio:
“Tell us!”
Techie McBandwidth:
“He searched ‘how to turn off all social media notifications’… and then ‘can CEOs legally hide under desks.’”
Intern Chip Byteworthy (panicked):
“WHAT DO WE DO?! While we’re looking for him… NIEL JUST POSTED AGAIN! And he tagged three platforms AND the #Netflix brand!”
CMO Brandy Buzzwords:
“Oh no… this is terrible timing! We JUST announced our partnership to ‘bring hyperlocal neighbor stories to streaming!’ Now Niel is doing… cross-platform commentary!”
CFO Penny Pincherstein:
“And shareholders are watching. The stock even TWITCHED. TWITCHED!”
Board Member #3, Harold Governance:
“Someone FIND Nirav. Check the breakroom! Check under the Mission Statement display! Check inside a pile of unsent moderation appeals!”
(Suddenly, from outside the room, someone shouts down the hallway)
Voice:
“I FOUND HIM!”
Everyone:
“WHERE?!”
Voice:
“He’s hiding behind the old Commodore 64, whispering, ‘If I can’t see Niel’s posts, they can’t hurt me…’”
Board collectively:
“GET. HIM. IN. HERE.”
CISO Cy R. Breach:
“In the meantime… what’s our plan? Because Niel’s posts are up across LinkedIn, Facebook, and X. The man is everywhere.”
CTO Techie:
“And he wrote something like, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, don’t relaunch the kitchen.’”
CMO Brandy:
“Classic Niel. Brutal. Accurate. Marketable.”
Board Chair:
“Alright, people — crisis mode. Until we recover the CEO, the Netflix partnership goes forward, and we all pretend this is fine. Somebody rewrite the press release. Make it sound… neighborly.”
Intern Chip:
“Should we… engage with Niel?”
Everyone:
“NO!”
Board Chair:
“But also… maybe yes. Eventually. Once we’ve found Nirav. And given him a blanket.”
End Scene
(The search for Nirav continues…)
