Inside the Nextdoor War Room: A Flammlandia Exclusive
It appears Nextdoor has officially rolled out a new strategic initiative to combat… me.
And the C-Suite meeting notes (which I definitely did not intercept…) tell quite a story.
President Nirav Tolia kicks off the “Niel Response Task Force” by declaring:
“Team, deploy ALL historical technology immediately. If it existed between 1974–1999, I want it online!”
Suddenly the room erupts into action:
CFO—Carl “Numbers Are Feelings” Petrovic wheels in a Commodore 64 and blows dust off the keyboard like he’s reviving an ancient artifact.
CMO—Linda “Brand Synergy” Maplethorpe slaps an AOL trial disc on the table:
“We get 90 free minutes! Use them wisely!”
CISO—Gary ‘Password123’ Feldman plugs in a Timex Sinclair computer that emits a spark and everyone pretends it’s “normal.”
COO—Martha ‘Operational-ish’ Jennings pushes a VHS VCR into the conference room and says:
“If Niel posted on LinkedIn, surely there’s a way to rewind him?”
The intern, already traumatized, is tasked with syncing everything together via a Walkman cassette player “for additional bandwidth.”
Then the newest employee walks in…
Bubbles the Clown, hired for “creative problem-solving,” juggling floppy disks and honking a bicycle horn every time someone mentions my name.
And just when the task force thinks they have the plan figured out, the President shouts:
“Prep the emergency vehicles — the Yugo and the Ford Pinto.
We’re taking this offline!”
Meanwhile, I’m still over here… waiting for a simple conversation.
No Commodore 64 required.
No VHS tape needed to rewind anything.
No AOL minutes necessary.
Just dialogue.
Transparency.
And maybe a non-clown representative.
Until then, I’ll keep posting — and they can keep rummaging through the tech museum.
#Nextdoor #LeadershipHumor #CorporateSatire #Transparency #LinkedInComedy #CrisisResponse #RetroTech #CommunityTrust #TechFail #Commodore64 #Walkman #AOL #Pinto #Yugo
