🔥 A Totally Fictional, Satirical Scene Inside “Nextdoor HQ” 🔥

(None of this happened. It’s pure comedy.)

President Nirav Tolia:
“Healpmee! We’ve got another Niel Flamm comment on LinkedIn. Suit up — it’s overtime!”

Healpmee Preaz (Employee of the Century):
“Overtime again? Sir, the budget is… thin.”

President Nirav:
“Don’t worry, we’re issuing you top-tier equipment. Here—”
hands over a dusty box
“—a Commodore 64 with dial-up internet. It’s all we can afford without angering the shareholders… or the Board.”

Healpmee:
“…Sir, this computer is older than most of the neighborhoods on Nextdoor.”

President Nirav:
“Exactly. Proven reliability. Now every time Niel comments, you’ll get paged.”

Healpmee:
“Like… an actual pager?”

President Nirav:
“Yes. It’ll beep three times and vibrate violently. We programmed it specifically for Niel-related incidents.”

Healpmee:
“…Sir, may I ask something?”

President Nirav:
“Of course, Healpmee. Loyalty and questions are welcome here.”

Healpmee:
“Why don’t we just reach out to Niel and have a conversation?”

President Nirav:
stares in dramatic disbelief
“That’s a silly idea, Healpmee. A conversation? No, no…
We’ll just use every resource, all weekend, every weekend.
He’ll give up eventually.”

Healpmee:
“…Sir, respectfully, he’s already created a casino and odds system.”

President Nirav:
“Then we must stay strong. Fire up the dial-up! Delete those comments before he reposts them!”

The modem screeches loudly in the background.

Healpmee:
“Sir… I think the modem just asked for retirement.”

President Nirav:
“No one retires until Niel does.”