🔥 Inside Nextdoor HQ — Emergency Boardroom Meeting (Totally Fictional, Totally Satire) 🔥

President Nirav Tolia (fictional/parody version):
“Alright, team, we have a crisis. A Niel Flamm-sized crisis. He’s posting again on our LinkedIn page. We need solutions. Big ones.”

CFO: Penny Pincherstein

“Sir, we can’t keep paying people to delete his comments. The budget is already tight after buying that new company toaster.”

CMO: Brandy Buzzwords

“Have we tried sending him an inspirational quote? Or a calming GIF? Maybe a neighborly haiku?”

CISO: Cy R. Breach

“Security-wise… Niel is unstoppable. He posts. We delete. He reposts. We delete. He reposts again.
Honestly, at this point, I think he’s built a bot out of pure spite.”

CTO: Techie McBandwidth

“We’re running low on servers. Every time he comments, our system logs it as a ‘High Threat Engagement Event.’ The alarms go off. Lights flash. It’s chaos.”

CHRO: Huggie Feelingsworth

“Has anyone considered just… communicating with him? I hear humans respond well to conversation.”

The whole room: gasps audibly

Chief Strategy Officer: Visionary Vaguehart

“Sir, we need a bold, innovative, synergistic, forward-thinking, AI-driven, hyperlocal solution.”

President: “Those were a lot of buzzwords. Do you have an idea?”

Visionary: “…No.”

President (exasperated):

“Okay, team. Let’s not overthink this. We need a plan to stop Niel from posting on our LinkedIn page.”

Everyone leans in…

President:

“Let’s just turn off the comments on our posts!”

Random Non–C-Suite Employee (Janitor Jim? Intern Isla? No one’s sure):

“Isn’t Niel just going to post about the fact that you turned off comments?”

President:
“…Meeting adjourned.”