🔥 #Nextdoor HQ – DEFCON 2: The Flammlandia Escalation 🔥
(This is satire. Just comedy. No real actions implied.)
Location:
The top-secret “#Nextdoor Fortress,” somewhere in San Francisco — surrounded by fog, kombucha barrels, and questionable mission statements.
President (slamming fists on the table):
“DEFCON 2, everyone!
Niel of Flammlandia has gained TWO new LinkedIn followers and received TWO comments on his latest post — a share of OUR Melissa story used against us!
We’re being out-neighborhooded!”
CMO Brandy Buzzwords:
“This is catastrophic! #Engagement… from Niel?! That’s supposed to be our job!”
CISO Cy R. Breach:
“Sir, the system is freaking out. Alarms are flashing. Every time someone likes Niel’s post, the #Nextdoor firewall screams, ‘INTRUDER: TRUTH APPROACHING.’”
CTO Techie McBandwidth:
“We tried shutting down his comments… he shared the post anyway!
And now people are agreeing with him!
Sir… the algorithm can’t process ‘authenticity.’ It’s overheating.”
CFO Penny Pincherstein:
“At DEFCON 2, protocol requires initiating Fortress Lockdown Mode.
We must seal all exits, silence all communication channels, and limit everyone to one slice of #Boudin sourdough per person per day.”
CHRO Huggie Feelingsworth (crying into a stress ball):
“We can’t ration the sourdough! It’s the only thing keeping morale above zero!”
Intern Internson (the Commodore 64 operator):
“Sir… I rebooted the #Commodore64 to delete Niel’s shares manually…
but it refuses.
It says— and I’m quoting—
‘ERROR 404: YOU CAN’T STOP THE TRUTH.’”
President (pulling at hair, visibly losing more by the minute):
“He’s powerful… too powerful.
He posted the Melissa story… against us?!
That was supposed to be our “look how amazing we are” post!
Now people are seeing the contradiction!”
Chief Strategy Officer Visionary Vaguehart:
“We need a pivot… a synergy… a distraction… a hyperlocal non-response response…”
President:
“NO! We bunker down.
Seal the fortress.
Lock the doors.
Initiate Operation: Pretend Nothing Is Wrong.
We survive on sourdough and silence until the storm passes.”
Random Engineer (peeking into the room):
“Sir, it’s been 12 minutes since his last share.
He could post again at any moment.”
Entire Room:
GASPS
President (yelling):
“Everyone to the bunker!
We are officially at DEFCON 2!
Move, move, move!
And someone guard the sourdough — we can’t risk losing morale!”
Intern:
“Sir… should we… maybe… just reach out to Niel?”
The room goes silent. Even the fluorescent lights flicker.
President (veins popping):
“Reach out… to Niel?
A neighbor of Earth?
Absolutely NOT!
We bunker down! We fortify!
We ration!
WE. DO. NOT. COMMUNICATE!”
CFO:
“What happens if he hits 3 followers?”
President (screaming):
“THEN WE GO TO DEFCON 1!!!”
#Nextdoor #Corporate #Comedy #Satire #MissionStatement #Meltdown #EngagementGate #CommentWars #Flammlandia #CSuite #Chaos
#Commodore64 #BlackBerryBrigade #DeleteSquad #LinkedIn #Humor #DigitalEthics
