The Powerball Department Is Now Open: 120 Tickets, 12 Brothers, and the Niel Tax™
I put together a lot more than just buying 120 Powerball tickets this week.
Somewhere between spreadsheets, probability calculations, payout estimates, tax assumptions, and trying to explain to a group of fraternity brothers why $4 divided by 12 doesn't make anyone rich, I may have accidentally become the Chief Financial Officer of the Tau Epsilon Phi Lottery Department.
The easy part is collecting everyone's $20.
The hard part is answering the important questions.
“What are our odds?”
With 120 unique tickets:
Jackpot: about 1 in 2,435,012
Percentage chance: 0.0000411%
Any prize: approximately 99.27%
Chance of winning nothing: approximately 0.73%
Then came the inevitable follow-up.
“What happens if we actually win?”
Now we're talking.
Using the current estimated $856 million advertised jackpot and an estimated $372 million cash option, with 12 brothers, everyone would receive approximately:
Prize Estimated Take-Home Per Brother
Jackpot $17.67 million
$1,000,000 $47,500
$50,000 $2,375
$100 $4.75
Then I looked at the remaining prize tiers.
A $7 prize split twelve ways is...
58 cents.
A $4 prize?
33 cents.
Unfortunately, Zelle has one tiny flaw in its business model:
It won't let me send you 33 cents.
Therefore, after careful consultation with absolutely nobody, I have created what will forever be known as...
The Niel Tax™
Any prize that works out to less than $1 per participant will be retained by the Lottery Commissioner — me — as a convenience fee for:
Collecting everyone's money
Buying the tickets
Tracking the numbers
Calculating the odds
Estimating federal and South Carolina taxes
Explaining for the fifteenth time that “1 in 2.4 million” is actually pretty good compared to one ticket
And, perhaps most importantly, avoiding the embarrassment of sending eleven separate Zelle payments for 33 cents
Think of it as an administrative processing fee.
Or a beverage fund.
Or reimbursement for the gas it takes to drive to Harris Teeter while getting strange looks from the cashier after buying what appears to be enough lottery tickets to finance a small nation.
If we win the jackpot, I promise to waive the Niel Tax.
If we win $4...
Well...
Congratulations.
I just earned another Coke Zero.
Good luck, Lotto Dudes.
Somebody has to win.
I Was Offended… Apparently I’m a Senior Now
Today, I was offended.
Not by politics.
Not by social media.
Not even by hospital cafeteria coffee.
No… I was personally attacked by kindness.
I stopped by Harris Teeter on Ben Sawyer in Mount Pleasant to grab lunch before heading to the hospital to spend time with my mom. It wasn’t exactly a gourmet feast—a sandwich, a Coke Zero, a KitKat, and yes… a chocolate chip cookie.
Before anyone starts judging my nutritional choices, remember… hospitals burn emotional calories.
I rolled up to the self-checkout and hadn’t even entered my alternate ID or scanned my first item when a very pleasant Harris Teeter employee walked over and said:
“Let me give you an additional discount.”
Now we’re talking!
I’m thinking maybe it’s Customer Appreciation Day.
Maybe they liked my smile.
Maybe they recognized my dazzling personality.
I happily started scanning each item while the self-checkout AI watched me like I was starring in CSI: Grocery Store. Every beep felt like I was proving my innocence.
Finally, I hit Pay.
That’s when I saw it.
Senior Discount.
…Excuse me?
Senior?
Who?
Me?
Are you absolutely serious?
I thought I looked pretty good for my age. Half Asian genes are supposed to buy you extra time before aging catches up. We don’t gently age—we apparently hit the wall decades later… and then gravity just wins in one spectacular weekend.
Sure, I qualify for an AARP membership.
But I always viewed that as more of a suggestion than an identity.
Now I’m wondering if I should start saying things like, “Back in my day…”
Should I begin eating dinner at 4:15?
Am I required to complain about gas prices and the weather?
Should I start carrying hard candy in my pockets?
I guess the next logical step is downloading the OurTime dating app.
Apparently, society has spoken.
On the bright side…
If someone wants to save me money because they think I’ve earned enough birthdays, who am I to argue?
I’ll take the discount.
But I’m still recovering emotionally.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go yell at some kids to stay off my lawn.
…The lawn I don’t even have.
Getting older is weird.
At least the Coke Zero was still full price.