$713 Million, Nine Fraternity Brothers, and a $4 Return on Investment
Good morning, fellow dreamers, degenerates, and future owners of questionable luxury properties!
This morning, before I even checked our fraternity lottery pool tickets, I saw that Powerball had climbed to $713 million.
Naturally, my first thought was, "Well, this could get interesting!"
My second thought was, "I wonder how badly we got our asses kicked in the last drawing."
Welcome to the exciting world of fraternity lottery pool management, where dreams are unlimited, spreadsheets are plentiful, and the return on investment can be downright embarrassing.
Nine Guys. $180. Two Games. One Dream.
Here's the current breakdown of our little financial operation:
9 fraternity brothers
$20 per person
$180 total
$90 allocated to Powerball
$90 allocated to Mega Millions
We're diversifying our portfolio, naturally.
Some people invest in stocks, bonds, and real estate. We invest in little slips of paper that let us fantasize about never attending another work meeting.
And, of course, I've been keeping everyone informed with spreadsheets, odds, payouts, and the occasional reminder that we're statistically more likely to remain exactly where we are financially.
But hey, somebody has to win eventually, right?
Please don't send me the mathematical explanation.
The Moment of Truth
After seeing that $713 million jackpot, I finally checked our tickets.
Drumroll, please!
🥁🥁🥁
Out of the $90 we spent on game tickets, we won a whopping $4.
FOUR. DOLLARS.
That's a return of approximately 4.44% on the $90 spent.
Wall Street, eat your heart out!
At this rate, we'll be able to afford a yacht sometime around the year 3026.
The good news? We didn't lose every single dollar.
The bad news? Our $4 victory won’t get us a reservation at a Michelin-starred restaurant.
I suppose we could reinvest the winnings, buy a celebratory coffee, or put it toward the down payment on our future bologna-filled swimming pool.
I'm leaning toward the pool.
Naturally, I Asked Them to Double Down
So what did I do after discovering our magnificent $4 windfall?
Did I resign as Lottery Pool Commissioner?
Did I announce that the experiment had failed?
Did I throw my spreadsheets into the nearest recycling bin?
Absolutely not!
I asked the guys to double down with another $20 per person for Wednesday's drawing.
Because apparently, nine fraternity brothers and a combined $180 weren't enough to convince the universe to cooperate.
We're going back for another round!
This is either perseverance, a questionable financial strategy, or evidence that I should never be allowed to manage a casino.
I'll let you decide.
The Fraternity Retirement Plan
At this point, our retirement strategy consists of three simple steps:
Buy lottery tickets.
Check the numbers.
Pretend the next drawing is the one that changes everything.
If we actually hit that $713 million jackpot, I'll have to update the spreadsheets, calculate everyone's share, and figure out how much money we can spend on ridiculous things before someone suggests we act like responsible adults.
Responsible adults?
In this fraternity?
Let's not get carried away.
For now, we're nine guys, a few lottery tickets, and a $4 victory that probably won't make the history books.
But Wednesday is another drawing, another opportunity, and another chance to turn our spreadsheets into America's most unnecessary financial documents.
Stay tuned. The Lottery Commissioner isn’t ready to surrender his clipboard yet.
And if we win big, remember: I was the guy buying the tickets, tracking the numbers, and keeping everyone organized.
I'm sure the guys will remember that.
I'm also sure I'll have another spreadsheet ready.
From Tau Epsilon Phi to Ska: My Fraternity Brother Goon Is Still Making Noise
I’ve forgotten some things from college.
Classes. Professors. What I was supposed to be studying. And probably more than a few nights that are better left in the 1980s.
But I haven’t forgotten my fraternity brothers.
Back at The City College of New York, I was a member of Tau Epsilon Phi, Phi Chi Chapter. Like any respectable fraternity, we had pledge names—and some were considerably more memorable than others.
One of my fraternity brothers received the distinguished, dignified, and undoubtedly well-deserved pledge name:
Alice the Goon.
I’ve always just called him Goon.
All these years later, Goon is still making noise—except now people actually want to hear it.
He’s part of The Phensic, a ska band.
And somehow, that seems completely appropriate.
If you had asked me back during my CCNY days what someone named Alice the Goon would be doing decades later, playing in a ska band probably would have made my Top 10.
Maybe even the Top 5.
If you’re into ska, check out The Phensic. And if you’re not familiar with ska, this might be a good excuse to discover something different.
You can listen to their music here:
One thing I appreciate more as I get older is looking back at the people I knew during those college years and seeing where life took us all.
We’re older.
Hopefully, we’re wiser.
The hair situation has definitely changed for some of us. In my case, I decided hair was apparently an unnecessary luxury.
But those fraternity memories and connections are still there.
So, from one Tau Epsilon Phi, Chi Chapter brother to another:
Keep making noise, Goon.
And if you like ska—or want to hear what one of my fraternity brothers has been up to—check out The Phensic!
One Billion Dollars, Bologna Pools, and the Evolution of the Fraternity Lottery Pool
Well...
We've done it.
Not won the Powerball.
We've evolved into a full-fledged financial institution.
The Powerball jackpot has officially reached $1 BILLION, with a one-time cash option of approximately $433.1 million before taxes.
Naturally, I already built another spreadsheet.
At this point, I should probably put "Lottery Pool CFO" on my LinkedIn profile.
It Started Innocently...
If memory serves, this whole adventure started about a month ago.
I suggested we throw a few bucks together.
Fast forward several drawings later, and we've played Powerball, Mega Millions, more Powerball, and then some more because apparently none of us learned anything.
I'd estimate our fraternity has now spent around $1,200–$1,500 chasing the dream.
That's enough money to buy a decent used car.
Instead, we own a growing collection of paper with numbers on them.
We've Become Spreadsheet People
This isn't just "buy some tickets."
No.
We've gone full corporate.
I've created spreadsheets showing:
Jackpot odds.
Prize probabilities.
Estimated after-tax winnings.
Per-person payouts.
Cash option calculations.
Different scenarios based on how many brothers are playing.
I don't think anyone has ever over-engineered losing the lottery quite like we have.
The Investment Committee Speaks
One thing I actually love is how the group operates.
We've had a few smaller wins.
Instead of everyone demanding their $4.37 immediately, the majority decided to let some of the winnings ride and buy more tickets.
Ladies and gentlemen...
We've accidentally invented a hedge fund.
A terrible hedge fund.
But a hedge fund nonetheless.
The $1 Billion Spreadsheet
Yes...
There's already a spreadsheet.
Of course there is.
It breaks down exactly what every fraternity brother would receive if we hit the jackpot based on the current pool.
The numbers are ridiculous.
The conversations are even better.
Responsible Financial Planning
People always ask what they'd do if they suddenly became rich.
Our discussions have not exactly been...
...traditional.
Ideas include:
Building an in-ground swimming pool...
...and filling it entirely with bologna.
Hiring someone whose only job is to tell us when Powerball reaches another billion.
Buying matching golf carts just to drive to the mailbox.
Renting a movie theater every Friday because deciding what to stream is exhausting.
Purchasing a private island where absolutely no one is allowed to ask, "Can I borrow a little money?"
Starting a charitable foundation dedicated to replacing every broken fraternity couch in America.
Buying Harris Teeter stock just to thank the cashier who's watched me buy hundreds of dollars in lottery tickets without asking too many questions.
Will We Win?
Statistically?
Probably not.
But for the price of a few tickets, we've bought weeks of laughs, spreadsheets nobody asked for, Discord debates, ridiculous financial planning sessions, and enough jokes to last until the next drawing.
That's not a bad return on investment.
Although...
A billion dollars would still be nice.
The Powerball Department Is Now Open: 120 Tickets, 12 Brothers, and the Niel Tax™
I put together a lot more than just buying 120 Powerball tickets this week.
Somewhere between spreadsheets, probability calculations, payout estimates, tax assumptions, and trying to explain to a group of fraternity brothers why $4 divided by 12 doesn't make anyone rich, I may have accidentally become the Chief Financial Officer of the Tau Epsilon Phi Lottery Department.
The easy part is collecting everyone's $20.
The hard part is answering the important questions.
“What are our odds?”
With 120 unique tickets:
Jackpot: about 1 in 2,435,012
Percentage chance: 0.0000411%
Any prize: approximately 99.27%
Chance of winning nothing: approximately 0.73%
Then came the inevitable follow-up.
“What happens if we actually win?”
Now we're talking.
Using the current estimated $856 million advertised jackpot and an estimated $372 million cash option, with 12 brothers, everyone would receive approximately:
Prize Estimated Take-Home Per Brother
Jackpot $17.67 million
$1,000,000 $47,500
$50,000 $2,375
$100 $4.75
Then I looked at the remaining prize tiers.
A $7 prize split twelve ways is...
58 cents.
A $4 prize?
33 cents.
Unfortunately, Zelle has one tiny flaw in its business model:
It won't let me send you 33 cents.
Therefore, after careful consultation with absolutely nobody, I have created what will forever be known as...
The Niel Tax™
Any prize that works out to less than $1 per participant will be retained by the Lottery Commissioner — me — as a convenience fee for:
Collecting everyone's money
Buying the tickets
Tracking the numbers
Calculating the odds
Estimating federal and South Carolina taxes
Explaining for the fifteenth time that “1 in 2.4 million” is actually pretty good compared to one ticket
And, perhaps most importantly, avoiding the embarrassment of sending eleven separate Zelle payments for 33 cents
Think of it as an administrative processing fee.
Or a beverage fund.
Or reimbursement for the gas it takes to drive to Harris Teeter while getting strange looks from the cashier after buying what appears to be enough lottery tickets to finance a small nation.
If we win the jackpot, I promise to waive the Niel Tax.
If we win $4...
Well...
Congratulations.
I just earned another Coke Zero.
Good luck, Lotto Dudes.
Somebody has to win.
$856 Million, Lucky 8s, and My Fraternity Lottery Dictatorship
The Powerball jackpot has climbed to $856 million, with the next drawing on Saturday, August 8, 2026 (8/8/26).
Now, I think the number 8 is considered lucky in Mandarin. I'm not entirely sure. I speak approximately three words of Mandarin, and two of them are probably pronounced wrong.
Still... 8/8? I'll take all the luck I can get.
I've also made an executive decision for the fraternity lottery pool. We've doubled the buy-in from $10 to $20 per person, which means twice the tickets and slightly better odds of one of us becoming completely unemployable.
To keep everyone informed, I've been posting the ever-changing odds in our Discord channel based on how many brothers are playing. It's educational. It's transparent. It's probably the most math some of us have done since college.
There has been one other policy change.
After weeks of organizing the pool, collecting money, driving to Harris Teeter, buying tickets, photographing them, and sending updates, one particularly ungrateful fraternity brother has been permanently promoted to... former participant.
Congratulations!
Your lottery odds with my pool are now exactly 0.000000%.
It's amazing how quickly the Fraternity Lottery Commissioner can become the Fraternity Lottery Dictator.
Long live the Commissioner.
Good luck to everyone else. If we win $856 million, drinks are on me.
Well... probably not. That's how people stay rich.
Join the fun on NielFlamm.com/blog.