I Was Offended… Apparently I’m a Senior Now

Today, I was offended.

Not by politics.

Not by social media.

Not even by hospital cafeteria coffee.

No… I was personally attacked by kindness.

I stopped by Harris Teeter on Ben Sawyer in Mount Pleasant to grab lunch before heading to the hospital to spend time with my mom. It wasn’t exactly a gourmet feast—a sandwich, a Coke Zero, a KitKat, and yes… a chocolate chip cookie.

Before anyone starts judging my nutritional choices, remember… hospitals burn emotional calories.

I rolled up to the self-checkout and hadn’t even entered my alternate ID or scanned my first item when a very pleasant Harris Teeter employee walked over and said:

“Let me give you an additional discount.”

Now we’re talking!

I’m thinking maybe it’s Customer Appreciation Day.

Maybe they liked my smile.

Maybe they recognized my dazzling personality.

I happily started scanning each item while the self-checkout AI watched me like I was starring in CSI: Grocery Store. Every beep felt like I was proving my innocence.

Finally, I hit Pay.

That’s when I saw it.

Senior Discount.

…Excuse me?

Senior?

Who?

Me?

Are you absolutely serious?

I thought I looked pretty good for my age. Half Asian genes are supposed to buy you extra time before aging catches up. We don’t gently age—we apparently hit the wall decades later… and then gravity just wins in one spectacular weekend.

Sure, I qualify for an AARP membership.

But I always viewed that as more of a suggestion than an identity.

Now I’m wondering if I should start saying things like, “Back in my day…”

Should I begin eating dinner at 4:15?

Am I required to complain about gas prices and the weather?

Should I start carrying hard candy in my pockets?

I guess the next logical step is downloading the OurTime dating app.

Apparently, society has spoken.

On the bright side…

If someone wants to save me money because they think I’ve earned enough birthdays, who am I to argue?

I’ll take the discount.

But I’m still recovering emotionally.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go yell at some kids to stay off my lawn.

…The lawn I don’t even have.

Getting older is weird.

At least the Coke Zero was still full price.

The Great Handicap Parking Mystery of Mount Pleasant

Today I headed over to Town Square in Mount Pleasant to catch Pressure, the new D-Day movie.

(By the way, if you're curious what I thought about it, check out my movie review at https://NielFlamm.com/videos/moviereview.)

As a right above-the-knee amputee, I usually look for an accessible parking space. It's closer to the theater, the walk is easier, and getting in and out with a prosthetic leg is a whole lot less like an obstacle course.

Then I spotted it.

The same accessible parking space.

The same questionable parking job.

The same blue-haired driver.

At this point, I'm convinced this is either a social experiment or an attempt to see how many spaces one compact sedan can occupy at once.

Folks, this wasn't a monster truck. It wasn't an oversized SUV towing a boat. It wasn't a bus.

It was a mid-size sedan.

A vehicle specifically designed to fit between two painted lines.

Yet somehow it was parked like it had ricocheted off three shopping carts before coming to rest.

I stood there wondering if I should leave a helpful note:

"The lines aren't decorations."

Maybe the parking lot needs bowling bumpers.

Maybe flashing runway lights.

Maybe one of those airport workers with orange glow sticks directing traffic.

To the mystery blue-haired parker: I have faith in you. The engineers who designed your car have faith in you. The people who painted the parking lines have faith in you.

One day, you'll center that car.

Until then... I'll keep bringing my sense of humor.

And don't forget to check out my review of Pressure over at https://NielFlamm.com/videos/moviereview.