The Lotto Dudes Are Back... Because Apparently We Like Losing Money 😂🎰
Well...
Someone in Florida won the $800 million Mega Millions jackpot last night.
It wasn't me.
I know.
Shocking.
I didn't suddenly develop the ability to teleport across state lines, nor did I secretly buy a ticket in Florida. So congratulations to whoever now has to hire accountants, lawyers, and a therapist to explain why their third cousin they've never met suddenly wants to "catch up."
As for the Lotto Dudes...
We won...
🥁🥁🥁
$34.
Good money after bad.
It's okay. We consider it a dividend.
So what did we do?
The obvious thing.
We're doing it again.
This time we've got 10 fraternity brothers throwing in $10 each.
Using advanced mathematics, that equals...
$100.
With that, we're buying 50 Powerball tickets for a shot at the $663 million jackpot.
The estimated cash value is $290.4 million.
Split ten ways...
That's just over $29 million each.
Not billionaire money...
...but definitely enough money for ten fraternity brothers who still act like the cast of Old School.
I can already picture it.
Frank "The Tank" would somehow convince us that jumping off the roof into a kiddie pool is a sound financial decision.
Someone would suggest bringing back streaking because, "We're rich now. What are they going to do, fine us?"
Blue would somehow become our financial advisor because, despite being asleep half the movie, he was probably making the most sense.
And there would absolutely be one brother trying to start a fraternity chapter in a retirement community because "the dues are tax deductible."
Meanwhile, I'd be the responsible one...
...right up until I bought a Corvette, a beach house, a lifetime supply of Costco snacks, and a golf cart just to drive from the mailbox back to the front door.
The odds are terrible.
The investment strategy is questionable.
The entertainment value?
Absolutely priceless.
Good luck to all the Lotto Dudes.
Maybe this time we'll be writing about how we turned $100 into $290.4 million...
...instead of another blog post explaining why our ROI belongs in a museum.
Our Lottery Pool Has Outperformed... Absolutely Nothing 😂💸
For the last few drawings, I've been leading my Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity chapter's lottery pool.
Based on my highly scientific calculations, we've probably donated somewhere around $600 to the South Carolina Lottery between Powerball and Mega Millions.
You're welcome, South Carolina.
This weekend, we're running it back.
I've asked everyone who wants in to Zelle me $20. Why Zelle? Because Venmo, PayPal, and some of the other apps want a cut when you withdraw money.
Sorry... around here we believe in wasting our money on lottery tickets, not transaction fees.
For each person, I buy:
🎟️ 5 Powerball tickets
🎟️ 2 Mega Millions tickets
A diversified portfolio, if you will.
Now, about the last Powerball drawing...
Guess who didn't win?
Us.
Well... that's not entirely true.
We actually won $12!
Since there were about a dozen of us, I graciously offered to Zelle everyone $1.
That's right.
Invest $20.
Receive $1.
A 95% loss.
Wall Street should be calling any minute now to ask me to manage a hedge fund.
I've already started thinking of names:
Niel Capital Mismanagement
Diamond Hands, Empty Wallets
The Negative Returns Investment Group
Bros Before ROI
The Institute for Advanced Financial Regret
The beautiful thing about a lottery pool is that no matter how badly you lose, you get to laugh about it with friends.
And every drawing starts the same conversation:
"This is the one."
Statistically?
Probably not.
But hope has a funny way of costing exactly twenty bucks.
Good luck to everyone playing this weekend. If one of us actually wins, I promise not to become one of those people who says, "Money doesn't change you."
I'll be too busy deciding whether my beach house should have a lazy river.
We Won the Lottery! (Sort Of...) 😂💸
Guess who didn't win the Mega Millions?
Me.
You.
And apparently everyone else.
The jackpot has now climbed to $707 million for Monday's drawing. Meanwhile, Powerball is $526 million tonight.
That puts a staggering $1.23 billion on the table. That's enough money to make a calculator ask for a coffee break.
I didn't win personally, but I did organize a lottery pool with 11 of my Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity brothers.
And...
We won $70!
After dividing it up, everyone would receive a whopping $6.36.
If the payout is less than $1 per person, that’s the “Niel Tax”; it barely counts. In this case, I declared the investment... less than inspiring.
Rather than pocketing our $6.36 each, the majority of the pool voted to let it ride. We rolled the winnings into 35 more Powerball tickets for tonight's drawing.
Clearly, we've chosen optimism over financial responsibility.
So naturally, I started brainstorming what we could have done with our newfound fortune.
Option 1: Relive Our College Days
Buy 28 bottles of Country Club Malt Liquor (about $2.50 each back in Harlem).
That's roughly 2½ bottles per brother.
I don't drink anymore so that someone can have my share. The other ten can spend the next morning comparing ibuprofen brands, arguing over whose knees hurt the most, and wondering why they thought drinking malt liquor in their 50s was a good idea. The hangover would probably last longer than our college careers. 🍻😂
Option 2: Invest in the Future
Head to Costco and buy three giant packs of Kirkland 2-Ply, 30-roll, 380-sheet toilet paper.
With all the news about a diarrheal parasite affecting more than 30 states, this may actually be the smartest investment on the list. Future us might look back and call this the greatest financial decision we ever made.
Option 3: Think of the Kids
Put the money toward our annual Winter Holiday Celebration, Christmanukwanza Party.
More cookies for the kids.
And let's be honest...
...a lot more cookies for the adults, too.
Instead, we bought 35 more chances to become instant billionaires.
Sure, we didn't become billionaires this week.
But for a few minutes, we got to dream about it together—and that's part of the fun.
Now excuse me while I check my tickets one more time... just in case I accidentally overlooked a billion dollars.
Guess Who Didn't Win Mega Millions? 😂💰
Me.
And... unless you're reading this from your private island, probably you too.
How do I know?
Because nobody won the Mega Millions jackpot, it has now climbed to $672 million.
That means tonight's Powerball jackpot of $498 million pushes the combined jackpots to shy of $1.2 BILLION.
I’m seeing a lot of commas.
And for just $2, you can buy a Powerball ticket and spend the next 24 hours mentally redesigning your life.
I've already got a rough plan.
I'd take care of my family.
I'd invest in the communities and causes that mean something to me.
I'd help out my friends. (If you aren't one now... applications after the drawing will not be accepted. 😄)
Then I'd pick up a sweet ride, buy a home on the beach, and maybe even find a future ex-wife to enjoy it all with.
Hey, at least I'm planning.
Will I win?
The odds say no.
Will I spend two bucks to dream for a day?
Absolutely.
Sometimes $2 isn't about buying a lottery ticket. It's about buying permission to imagine what's possible.
Good luck tonight—and if one of us wins, remember who reminded you.