When Caring for Mom Becomes a Battle of Wills

When I'm sitting here writing posts for the blog, I often keep the Facebook Reels open in the background. Sometimes it's entertainment. Sometimes it's noise. And every once in a while, I come across something that hits surprisingly close to home.

Tonight, it was this Reel:

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Gg6CPpZ9D/

As I watched it, I thought, I'm experiencing something similar.

I've written before about my mother and her time in a skilled nursing facility. I've also mentioned that she wants to move into an assisted living facility.

After 56 years, she's had enough and wants some time away.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking about a different kind of change in my own life. My plan is what I call 6+6 — part of the year in the United States and part of the year in Thailand.

But before any of that happens, there are much more immediate decisions to make.

Assisted Living Isn't Free

Assisted living facilities cost money.

A bunch of money, I anticipate.

This week, I'm touring two assisted living facilities. I want to see what's available, understand what they provide, ask questions, and, of course, find out what everything actually costs.

Then comes the question of how to pay.

That's where things get complicated.

I have Power of Attorney over my mother's assets, which allows me to handle her financial matters and use her assets to pay for her care.

There's one problem.

My father has voluntarily declined to provide me with information about my mother's employer 401(k).

And that has created what may become a battle of wills.

Living Under the Same Roof Without Talking

I haven't spoken to my father in more than a week. It might be closer to a week and a half now.

Here's what makes the situation even stranger:

I still live in the house my parents both own.

My room is on the second floor.

Yet I haven't spent much time at home lately.

There has been dialysis. There have been visits with Mom. There have been recovery meetings. And I've been trying to find some fun somewhere in between it all.

Today was the exception.

Today, as I wrote in another post, my body essentially told me that I wasn't getting out of bed.

So I didn't.

I spent the day upstairs.

There is something sad about being in the same house as someone and having that much distance between us.

The Last Holdout

The entire situation is sad.

From my perspective, my father has gradually alienated the nuclear family.

For a long time, I was the last holdout.

I kept trying.

Now I'm reaching a point where my primary concern isn't winning an argument or proving who is right.

It's figuring out what happens next for Mom.

She has said what she wants.

I have two assisted living facilities to tour this week.

I need to understand the costs.

I need to understand the resources available to pay those costs.

And somewhere in the middle of all of this is a 401(k) that I still don't have information about.

So that's where this story stands tonight.

Mom wants assisted living.

I'm preparing to tour the facilities.

I'm thinking about my own eventual 6+6 life between the United States and Thailand.

My father and I aren't speaking.

And we're still living under the same roof.

Families can be complicated.

Money can make them even more complicated.

Add aging parents, caregiving, decades of marriage, Power of Attorney, retirement accounts, and decisions about where someone wants to live, and suddenly life starts producing storylines that even the Facebook Reels would have trouble making up.

Follow along to find out what happens next.

I have a feeling this chapter isn't finished.

The Power of Attorney Is Signed: Welcome to My Real-Life Version of The Traitors

Well, we have an update.

If you read my previous post about caring for my mother, money, control, and family boundaries, you know we’ve had some difficult conversations about what happens next.

My mother has made her wishes known. I’ve been working on making sure those wishes are heard and respected.

Now, there’s a new development:

I have a signed South Carolina Power of Attorney.

Yep.

The paperwork is signed.

The next step?

I need to give my father a copy.

And then we see what happens.

Previously, on NielFlamm.com...

In the last episode, my father and I had some very different views about my mother's money and how it should be used for her care.

When I asked about accessing information concerning money she had earned and saved, I heard:

“I’ll think about it.”

Later, I heard:

“Prove it.”

Well, I didn't exactly set out to turn this into a cliffhanger, but here we are.

The Power of Attorney is signed.

Now comes the part where I hand him a copy.

Cue dramatic music.

This Isn't 90 Day Fiancé

I've been trying to figure out exactly what kind of reality show my life has become.

It's definitely not 90 Day Fiancé.

Nobody is getting a rose, so The Bachelor is out.

I'm thinking we're getting closer to a real-life version of The Traitors.

We've got family.

We've got money.

We've got disagreements.

We've got questions about who controls what.

We've got people wondering what someone else will do next.

And we've got me standing in the middle of it thinking:

How did I get cast in this show?

Unfortunately, unlike reality television, nobody yells “CUT!” and sends everyone back to their trailers.

This is real life.

What Happens Next?

That's the interesting part.

I don't know.

I'm going to give my father Power of Attorney and see what happens next.

Maybe the document changes the conversation.

Maybe it doesn't.

Let’s move forward with figuring out my mother's finances and how her resources can support the care she wants.

Maybe we're headed for another episode.

Whatever happens, my objective remains the same: listen to my mother and advocate for what she wants.

The Power of Attorney isn't the finish line. It's another step in a much bigger process.

Stay Tuned

So that's today's update.

South Carolina Power of Attorney: signed.

Copy for Dad: next.

Dad's reaction: TBD.

And apparently, that's my teaser for the next episode.

Keep coming back to NielFlamm.com/blog because I have a feeling this story isn't finished.

Forget 90 Day Fiancé.

Forget The Bachelor.

Welcome to my real-life version of The Traitors.

Except there's no cash prize at the end.

Just family, paperwork, boundaries, and hopefully doing what's best for Mom.

Stay tuned.