My Future Ex-Wife Is Going to Be So Proud 💰😂

The lottery refuses to cooperate with my retirement plans.


So here we are again.


🎟️ Mega Millions: $672 million (Friday)
🎟️ Powerball: $526 million (Saturday)


That’s nearly $1.2 BILLION just sitting there, waiting for someone to claim it.


I’ve been thinking about what I’d do if I won.


Sure, I’d take care of my family.


I’d help the communities and causes that have been important to me.


I’d make sure my friends were doing okay. (If we haven’t spoken since MySpace, this is probably a bad time to reconnect.)


But after the responsible stuff…


Things could get a little weird.


I’d found the world’s most exclusive underground fraternity: Omega Cucumber Omega (Ω🥒Ω).


The initiation? Standing in a circle while everyone gets pelted with cucumbers. Why cucumbers? Because billionaires don’t have to explain themselves.


Our official motto?


“Making poor financial decisions so you don’t have to.”


Annual dues would be exactly $1, because we’re not in it for the money.


There would be a Board of Directors whose only responsibility is debating whether Tuesdays should officially become “Wear Hawaiian Shirts While Grocery Shopping Day.”


I’d sponsor a competitive professional nap league.


I’d hire someone whose full-time job is reminding me where I left my phone.


I’d create a scholarship for people who have never said, “Reply all.”


I’d buy a beach house.


I’d buy a sweet ride.


And yes… somewhere in there I’d probably meet my future ex-wife. At least we’d have a beautiful view during the divorce negotiations.


Will any of this happen?


Probably not.


Will I spend a few bucks dreaming about it?


Absolutely.


Sometimes the ticket isn’t about the jackpot. It’s about spending a couple of days imagining a life where your biggest problem is deciding whether your pet llama should have its own swimming pool.


Good luck this weekend!


And if you win because this blog reminded you to buy a ticket… remember who believed in you before you were rich.