My Billion-Dollar Career Is Delayed... Again 💸😂

Well...

I checked my personal Powerball and Mega Millions tickets.

The results were exactly what you'd expect.

I did not become an instant billionaire.

I'm still checking the lottery pool tickets, so there's a microscopic glimmer of hope. Somewhere between "highly unlikely" and "did I miss a number?"

The jackpots continue to climb:

🎟️ Powerball: $544 million (Monday)
🎟️ Mega Millions: $707 million (Tuesday)

That's a combined $1.251 billion waiting for someone.

I've already shared some of the practical things I'd do if I won. But after taking care of my family, helping my community, and making sure my friends were doing well, I'd have to spend a little on nonsense.

Here are three new ideas:

1. Hire a Professional Excuse Writer

Running late? Flat tire? Alien abduction? My personal excuse writer would have a believable explanation ready in under 30 seconds.

2. Open the World's First Museum of Lost TV Remotes

Every remote you've ever lost somehow ends up there. Admission is free, but finding the exit remote costs extra.

3. Start a Competitive Lawn Flamingo League

Teams would draft the finest pink plastic flamingos, complete with instant replay, referees, and commentators, treating every lawn decoration like the Super Bowl.

Completely ridiculous?

Absolutely.

That's part of the fun.

Now it's your turn...

If you won $1.251 billion, what's the first ridiculous thing you'd do?

Leave a comment on the blog. I can't wait to see your ideas—and who knows, maybe one of us will actually need them one day.

Join the discussion on NielFlamm.com.

My Future Ex-Wife Is Going to Be So Proud 💰😂

The lottery refuses to cooperate with my retirement plans.


So here we are again.


🎟️ Mega Millions: $672 million (Friday)
🎟️ Powerball: $526 million (Saturday)


That’s nearly $1.2 BILLION just sitting there, waiting for someone to claim it.


I’ve been thinking about what I’d do if I won.


Sure, I’d take care of my family.


I’d help the communities and causes that have been important to me.


I’d make sure my friends were doing okay. (If we haven’t spoken since MySpace, this is probably a bad time to reconnect.)


But after the responsible stuff…


Things could get a little weird.


I’d found the world’s most exclusive underground fraternity: Omega Cucumber Omega (Ω🥒Ω).


The initiation? Standing in a circle while everyone gets pelted with cucumbers. Why cucumbers? Because billionaires don’t have to explain themselves.


Our official motto?


“Making poor financial decisions so you don’t have to.”


Annual dues would be exactly $1, because we’re not in it for the money.


There would be a Board of Directors whose only responsibility is debating whether Tuesdays should officially become “Wear Hawaiian Shirts While Grocery Shopping Day.”


I’d sponsor a competitive professional nap league.


I’d hire someone whose full-time job is reminding me where I left my phone.


I’d create a scholarship for people who have never said, “Reply all.”


I’d buy a beach house.


I’d buy a sweet ride.


And yes… somewhere in there I’d probably meet my future ex-wife. At least we’d have a beautiful view during the divorce negotiations.


Will any of this happen?


Probably not.


Will I spend a few bucks dreaming about it?


Absolutely.


Sometimes the ticket isn’t about the jackpot. It’s about spending a couple of days imagining a life where your biggest problem is deciding whether your pet llama should have its own swimming pool.


Good luck this weekend!


And if you win because this blog reminded you to buy a ticket… remember who believed in you before you were rich.

Guess Who Didn't Win Mega Millions? 😂💰

Me.

And... unless you're reading this from your private island, probably you too.

How do I know?

Because nobody won the Mega Millions jackpot, it has now climbed to $672 million.

That means tonight's Powerball jackpot of $498 million pushes the combined jackpots to shy of $1.2 BILLION.

I’m seeing a lot of commas.

And for just $2, you can buy a Powerball ticket and spend the next 24 hours mentally redesigning your life.

I've already got a rough plan.

I'd take care of my family.

I'd invest in the communities and causes that mean something to me.

I'd help out my friends. (If you aren't one now... applications after the drawing will not be accepted. 😄)

Then I'd pick up a sweet ride, buy a home on the beach, and maybe even find a future ex-wife to enjoy it all with.

Hey, at least I'm planning.

Will I win?

The odds say no.

Will I spend two bucks to dream for a day?

Absolutely.

Sometimes $2 isn't about buying a lottery ticket. It's about buying permission to imagine what's possible.

Good luck tonight—and if one of us wins, remember who reminded you.

For Just $7, You Can Pretend to Be a Billionaire 💸🎰

The combined jackpots for Powerball and Mega Millions have now climbed to over $1.1 BILLION.

• Powerball (Monday): $476 million

• Mega Millions (Tuesday): $637 million

The grand total to buy one ticket for each drawing? Just $7.

For the price of a fancy coffee, you can spend the next couple of days deciding whether your first purchase is a beach house, a sports car, or finally replacing that thing you’ve been saying you’ll replace for years.

The odds? Let’s just say they’re “character building.”

But if one of those tickets turns out to be the winner, remember who reminded you. A generous “thank you” contribution would be greatly appreciated by the Department of Niel’s Lottery Awareness Program.

And if you’re interested in putting together a lottery pool, let me know. We can increase our odds from “almost impossible” to… well… “slightly less almost impossible.”

Good luck, everyone!

I Didn’t Win… And Neither Did You (Probably) 🎰💸

Well… I didn’t win the Mega Millions.

And I’m pretty sure you didn’t either.

How do I know? Because the jackpot went up, which means nobody hit the big one. Congratulations to all of us for continuing our streak of not becoming instant billionaires.

The next Mega Millions drawing is Tuesday.

But don’t worry! We have another opportunity to make questionable financial decisions tonight with Powerball. Tickets are just $2 each (before they tempt you with Power Play, Power-Up, Mega-Super-Ultra-Deluxe-Whatever-They-Call-It).

As a reminder, if you head out to buy a ticket because of this blog post, a friendly gratuity for the person who reminded you—namely me—is highly recommended… by me.

I don’t make the rules. Actually, I just did.

Better yet… anyone interested in joining a lottery pool? Reach out! If we’re all going to lose, we might as well lose together. And if we win? I’ll happily volunteer to hold the giant check for the photo.

Good luck tonight!

Someone has to win. It might as well be one of us.